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All new and funny jokes at aimnlife.
--MuM: Have you brought the matches home?
Mum: Are they working???
Son: Yes! I have tried up all the fire matches...
--His mother had scrubbed floors to send him through
college, and he felt he could
never adequately repay her. Now a successful businessman,
he sent her gifts from
all over the world. While traveling in South America,
he found a parrot that could
speak six languages and recite long passages from
Shakespeare. He knew his mother
would love such a bird, and paid $14,000 for it.
When he got back home, he phoned his mother. "How
about that bird I sent you?" he asked.
"Thank you so much," his mother said. "It
--There were five people on a crashing air plane.
Britney Spears, George W. Bush, Pavarotti, the Pope,
and a boy scout. There were only four parachutes,
not enough for the five important people on board,
so they had to decide who would be left. President
Bush said he should go first since he is the president
of the greatest country in the world. So he jumps
and lands safely. Then Pavarotti says that he has
the greatest voice in the world so jumps and parachutes
to safety. Britney Spears says she's a role model
for young girls,and the smartest woman in the world
so she jumps out. Then the Pope says to the little
boy scout, "I am old and feeble and I don't have
much longer to live...You must take the last parachute.
" The boy scout replies, "We can both
take a parachute because the smartest woman
in the world took my backpack."
One day a little boy asks his mom questions about God.
He goes up to his mother and asks,
he''''s a boy and a girl" Not really know what to
say the mother just says,
"Well, son, he''''s
black and white." So he asks his mother, "Mom,
is God black or white?"
Again not really knowing what to say, the mother tells
her son, "Well ,son,
he''''s black and white." So the little boy looks
at his mother as though he
finally understands and says, "Ohhhh, I didn''''t
know that God was Michael Jackson!"
|--There were three nuts in an asylum and
they had been doing
well in their therapy, so the doctors' committee decided
it was time to give them
a test, to see if they were ready to return to society.
The first nut goes in and the doctor asks him "What's
two plus two?"
The nut thinks and replies "Eleven."
The doctor gives him another chance but the reply was
The doctor regrets that he failed the test and calls
in the second nut and asks him "What's two plus
The nut thinks hard and replies "Blue."
The doctor reluctantly gives him a second chance, but
the nut confidently replies "Blue."
So he calls in the third nut and asks him "What's
two plus two?"
The nut shows he is thinking and replies "Four."
Ecstatic the doctor congratulates him and asks him to
tell him how he got the right answer.
And the nut explains "Well, it's simple. Two times
two is eleven, divide by blue makes four."
--A lady was walking down the street
to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of
a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really
ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past
the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same
parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really
ugly. " She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey
lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked
that she went into the store and said that she would
sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied
profusely and promised he
would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after
work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
|--Three men were discussing at a bar about
The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale
of two cities"
and she gave birth to twins"
the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the
and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "
When I left the house,
my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!
|--Tech Support: "I need you to right-click
on the Open Desktop."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer:
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see
a pop-up menu?"
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you
have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and
I wrote click'."
|--Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental
Hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly
jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic
act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now
considered her to
be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news
"Mary, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged
because since you were able to jump in and save the life
of another patient,
I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim,
the patient you saved,
hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I
am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him
there to dry."